The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever
by SPS-kun
Summary: Want clichés? Horrible plots? Want to laugh your butt off at bad fanfic? We have bad yaoi, fake charabashing, and much more! Too bad Koenma's obsessed... Last Chapter Up
1. The KuramaHiei Story

**The Worst Yû Yû Haksuho Fanfiction Ever**

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A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: This is a deliberate parody of god-awful, clichéd fanfiction. As such, it will have canonically unlikely plotlines, scary out-of-character-ness, fake character bashing, and parody-type Mary Sues. However, it WILL have much better spelling and grammar than the badfics you are used to reading, that I promise. Plus- lewd humor and deliberate fanboy languages. D Enjoy!

SPS

**Chapter 1: The Kurama/Hiei Story**

Seven AM.

Kurama hated _getsuyôbi_, even though he had no bloody idea what the word was doing there smack dab in the middle of and English sentence. But anyways, he hated this particular thing that shall not be mentioned because the reader is l33t enough to know Japanese would know what it is, and the person who doesn't know what it is shouldn't be reading this fanfiction in the first place.

He stretched his arms up over his head, and decided that today was the day. His rear end had been lubricating well for over a week now, and he had been gorging himself with chocolate and watching very gushy romance movies nonstop during that time. But lo, his love for Hiei had not yet been returned, and he wept into his lace handkerchief that he had mysteriously acquired when his rear started lubricating by itself.

"Oh, my dear, sweet Hiei! You have been corrupted by that miserable bionic bitch, Mukuro! Now you will never love me, for I am a man, and two men cannot love each other! Oh agony! Oh defeat! Oh woe! The only thing left for me to do is get a sex change, even though I don't identify as a woman at all! Because of true love!" He then cried further and started to slit his wrists with one of his stepfather's razor blades to relieve the pain…it was the only way until he could saw his genitals off for his truest, deepest love. But then he started to cry yet again, and put on a long, lacy pink dress, so he could be a woman before he waited for his surgery.

Yomi, ruler of Gandara, was sitting in his chambers watching the fox with the mysterious aliment. Something came over his mind…the fox looked some stunning in that dress…

"MUHUHAHAHA! I will take Kurama prisoner, and rape him, even though I don't really want to!" he sadistically laughed, adding an extra "MUHAHA" at the end for good measure. "Revenge shall be mine, for I am pure evil! MUHUHAHAHA!" And the skies thundered over Gandara…Yomi laughed even more when he saw how he had influenced the weather, despite his being completely blind.

He then sent two messenger demons, who were dumb as bricks, to catch his lovely prize. When the demons arrived in the Minamino household, they just stared blankly at each other, uncertain of what to do.

Kurama looked up at them, and said, "Come on, evil demon slaves, let's get this show on the road! I am to be brutally raped by Yomi! Else why would my ass be self-lubricating, and why would I be a fake transsexual! Oh woe! Capture me and make me wangst!"

The first demon looked at the other and said, "What is she talking about?"

To which the second replied: "I dunno. You want to get lunch or something?"

"I'm having a really bad craving for boiled human flank on rye. Sound good to you, Dave?"

"I dunno, Bob. I'm in the mood for kidney pie, _und keiner Eier_."

"¿_Qué? No comprendo lo que dices_."

"SHUT UP ALREADY!" screamed Kurama. "Bring Yomi to ravish me, or else this will never get off of the ground!"

And Dave and Bob brought Kurama back to Gandara.

Meanwhile, Hiei was strapped to an operating table in Mukuro's castle. The Bionic Bitch, as she was known, was opening him up and ripping out his internal organs one by one, squashing them and laughing in sadistic glee.

"MUHUHAHAHA! You shall never leave here alive- not if you still love that fox! You belong to me and ME ALONE! MUHUHA…" –here she coughed- "HUAHAHAHA!"

Hiei screamed in agony. This was too much. He wished desperately for some of that luscious sweet snow to ease the pain…that pain that could only be described through Evanescence lyrics…

And lo, there in a dress, was his savior! Or "savioress", as the case may be.

"Where on earth were you, fox? I'm getting organs ripped out, and yet you could not find me! Oh woe!" Hiei started to cry, and several onyx-colored tear gems made a soft 'plink' sound upon the castle floor.

"I too was suffering unbearable agony." Kurama put his hand over his head in a dramatic pose and started to weep bitter tears of wangst. "I was being ravished by the cruel, evil Yomi, and I was starting to enjoy it when the fluids from my rear flooded all of Gandara, thereby conveniently saving me! My love for you knows no limits, and I have been tortured o prove it!"

"As have I, my dear, sweet, honey-baby-snookums," said Hiei, looking Kurama tenderly in his emerald orbs. "The problem is, the worlds will not accept our love, being two males! Let us kill ourselves in the hope of heteronormativity in the next life!"

"Yes, but I have become a weepy woman for you, my love!" Kurama started crying while holding his- erm, her dress- out of the pile of Hiei's bloody entrails, which she- no, he (you have to judge gender on physical sex, don't ya know) was surprised were not back in Hiei's body,a nd yet he was still alive.

"But…society does not accept of transsexuals either, especially fake ones!" Hiei cried.

A slight pause. Kurama picked up Hiei's sword and plunged it into his heart and let out a scream of agony. He- wait, isn't it she?- then died without any of the expected corny monologues. When Kurama stabbed himself, Hiei ripped out his own heart and died.

Their entwined souls went up to Reikai, to be reborn happily ever after as a busy salaryman and his sweet, submissive wife.

Koenma woke up with a start. The papers on his desk were in disarray, and he had the strangest dream about Kurama, Hiei, and the Demon Lords…although they were only facsimiles of Kurama, Hiei, Yomi and Mukuro.

He groaned to himself, started stamping his paperwork, and attributed his nightmare to the plethora of bad fanfiction he had been reading online.

_Was it really that necessary to stop reading it?_ he wondered to himself. It was like a trainwreck…and it did keep him interested in Ningenkai…

Nevertheless, he didn't want to have any more bad dreams. He shut off his computer and went back to working, so his father wouldn't get angry at him.

END CHAPTER 1

A/N, Part Deux: Coming Up in "The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever"- Sensui awakens, and suddenly likes boobies! Itsuki hates Sensui! Read all about it! (And damn, at this rate, Koenma's going to get a damn headache…)

If you have any more ideas, comment. I'd love to hear some "bad fanfic" ideas…


	2. HeteroSensui, Charge Urameshi's Sister

**The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever**

A Yû Yû Hakusho fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: I am very glad that the first chapter got as many reviews as it did, not because I'm "LIEK OMG REVEW HORE!1!" but because I'm glad people sympathize with my position.

Speaking of which, the topic of Chapter Two is very important to me, as Sensui is my very favorite YYH character, and one of the very VERY few kickass, realistically portrayed gay men in anime or elsewhere (seeing as most are fanservice caricatures or "fabulous" nellies that give people makeovers). It makes me sad to see his character butchered.

So anyhoo, enjoy!

SPS

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**Chapter 2: Hetero-Sensui! Charge, Urameshi's Sister!**

Feeling the current of subspace surrounding his body, provided there was any current inside an Ura-otoko's belly in the first place, Sensui Shinobu sat up with a jolt.

For some odd reason, he was back inside of his body; his mind was now oddly quiet as he did not hear most of his personae talking to one another. He looked up into the admiring face of one Yaminade no Itsuki…and felt absolutely disgusted that he had had his arms around him.

One thought consumed his mind: He had to find a pair of boobies, and quick. All he could think about were women's voluptuous breasts…and he did not become angry at himself for being "normal" or for being a total and utter hypocrite to his cause…

…Say, _what_ cause was it again? Sensui could not remember for the life of him. All he could think about was finding himself a girlfriend and getting away from that creepy old fa- erm, demon, in subspace.

He threw Itsuki off of him and started to pace about, when, all of a sudden, a beautiful woman, who was half-fox-demon, one-third pixie, and precisely one-thirty-third yaminade (even though they were very rare in the first instance, and, in the second instance, even though they possessed normal demon lust for both sexes, most of them tended to attach themselves to a particular member of the same sex as themselves), opened up a portal into where the two men were and latched herself onto Sensui, screaming, "Oh, my gods, you are so kawaii! Marry me!"

All Sensui did was nod "yes" in a rather drugged stupor as Keara Sakura Catalina Urameshi, Yûsuke's goddess-like half-sister, born when Atsuko was 9 she had a really early puberty! I swear! That skank! and abandoned in a tequila crate in Mexico, glomped him again, and injected a clear substance that would make any gay man straight into his lower back…for the second time. She didn't want to make any mistakes, certainly none that would cost her a hot, sexy genocidal maniac that she could cure magically and make into her hubby.

She picked him up, gave him a smooch, and lifted him out of the Ura-otoko. Another girl, with long silver hair, one purple eye and one blood-red, and a well-developed bosom walked into the portal, and waved at Itsuki.

"OHMIGAWD! You are so hoot!" The silver-haired girl ran behind Itsuki and started hugging him. Itsuki would have shooed her off and had the Ura-otoko digest her; however, he too, was in a stupor, because the girl smelled like the one thing known to render a yaminade helpless.

Tropical Breeze-scented laundry detergent. (This is one of the odder phenomena that has been noted when Makai denizens are exposed to Ningenkai substances; various elemental yôkai species are severely allergic to substances that do not correspond to the elements they control. Now why it _had _to be Tropical-Breeze-scented as opposed to Spring Fresh or Lilac Mist, Reikai officials do not yet know.)

Having had Itsuki pass out, the silver-haired girl- let's call her Sue for simplicity's sake- took him to a local chapel, complete with overweight Elvis impersonator, 47 pounds of Kentucky Fried Chicken, and $20-in-American-currency marriage license, and bestowed upon him the sacred, eternal, loving institution of marriage. (Don't ask me how he got married when he was unconscious! It's just a fanfic, jeez!)

_One Week Later_

The two abominations- whoops, sorry- gorgeous, wise, perfect women were sitting around on Sue and Itsuki's porch, knitting scarves and sitting in their rocking chairs, the soft breeze making the chairs creak back and forth.

"How's your husband, Keara?" Sue tilted her head quizzically.

"He's a wreck. Honest to the gods. Every time I come home from a long day of seducing bishounen, he has this note attached to the door that says, 'Gone to Hooters. Be back at ten' written on it. I swear, if he ever goes to Hooters or a strip club or a soapland one more damn time, I'll…" Keara made a fist. It was okay for her to cheat, but the gods forbid her man do so! "Men…mrrgh…"

"I know what you mean. I have to keep my washer running twenty-four-seven so that my man won't run off and try to seduce your man." With this she shuddered.

"And it gets even worse! I didn't know that I didn't get rid of his female persona! Now whenever we try to get intimate, Naru comes crying on my shoulder and says that she's so damn happy I made her a lesbian!"

"Eww. Lesbians are gross." Sue made a face, and then looked at Keara. _Damn, _she thought_, she's hot…NO NO NO NO NO! BAD SUE!_ She banged her head against the porch wall and fell unconscious.

At that very instant, the washer turned off, and the house no longer smelled of Tropical Breeze laundry detergent. Itsuki awoke from his stupor, rubbed his head, and asked, "Where is Shinobu?"

"He's mine!" yelled Keara. "So bugger off!"

Itsuki smiled. "Maybe I already have."

Keara was flustered, and angry, and ohhh…why did these two fa- erm, gentlemen- have to be so damn tricky?

"I GIVE UP!" she yelled. "You can have your damn boyfriend back!"

At that instant, Sensui ran up to the house and yelled, "Show me your tits! Show me your tits!"

Itsuki was stunned. This was surely a clone of his lover!

"Oh, hell, I injected something into his back to make him forget about hating humanity and to make him like girls like a normal man. But it totally backfired! LOOK!" Keara started bawling her eyes out.

"So…what do I do to get him back?"

Keara dug out a bottle, and dug two pills from the inside. "Here. These are antidote pills for the hetero-serum. You only need one of them…Choose the red pill or the blue pill."

"Which one do you recommend?" Itsuki asked, trying to screw with her mind.

"I dunno! Just take one! All I know is that one pill has more side effects than the other one!"

Itsuki thought for a moment, and then took the blue pill from her hand and smiled. He instructed Sensui to take- no, more like manipulated Sensui into taking- it. A few minutes later, he seemed to be back to his normal, gay self.

Except for one thing.

"Oh my God," Sensui lisped. "This shade of black does NOT MATCH this other shade of black on my pants! I'm a total fashion disaster! I have to get properly accessorized before I can go out and do lots and lots of crystal meth!"

The two girls squeed. Itsuki had chosen the right pill: he was no longer an unacceptable gay, nor a noisome straight. He was just right- a fabulously flaming gay man just like all of the others on TV! The kind that called out for celebration and tons upon tons of fangirls and hags following his every move!

Itsuki just stared at his partner. If this was another personality, so be it. He could stand his being a totally swishy queen- as long as it _was_ an eighth persona.

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Koenma could not get a wink of sleep. He had had that awful dream about Sensui chasing after women, and Itsuki being paralyzed by laundry detergent- and, well, even though he had taken action against the two, he still felt guilty that he left them in such a vulnerable position according to their wishes. Shinobu used to work for him, after all. 

He admitted it…he was getting addicted to crappy fanfiction, and he needed to stop. And FAST. Nothing like this would happen in real life, right? And if it did, his father would hear about it and send the SDF in for the kill. Right?

He shuddered as he tried to persuade himself to go back to sleep after being spooked by that last nightmare for the past three hours. After all, tomorrow was work, work, work…and he had to get up bright and early for that, or else he'd get a spanking…

Koenma shut his eyes and tried to get some rest. _Damn fanfiction_…

END CHAPTER 2

A/N: Next time…I'm taking some of your advice! Bad high school A/U! Karasu/Kurama syrupy fluffbunny romance! Possible manslut Kurama!

Also, I'd like more ideas, if you please.


	3. The Love of the Crow YYH in HS

**The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever**

A YYH fanfiction (parody!) by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: Before I get started with this chapter, I apologize for being away from FF.N for a while. I had to do a lot of other things, so I apologize for leaving my readers with a distinct absence of badfic-induced crack fiction.

Also, this story contains Mpreg!Kurama, SweetiePie!Karasu, SluttyMallRat!Botan, Retard!Kuwabara and a janitor's closet of DOOM. Plus SPS blatantly (or not-so-blatantly) rips off a Monty Python skit for your enjoyment!

-SPS

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**Chapter 3: The Love of the Crow! YYH in High School**

Minamino Kurama - why the hell wasn't his first name Shûichi in these bloody high school AU fics?- was busy getting ready for a new day at Sarayashiki Junior High School. Never mind that he wasn't supposed to be there, as he was a year older than the rest of the group, but, hey, it was convenient, and…well…let's say he fell into a gigantic plot hole and ended up by his locker.

He looked through the said object, hoping to find chocolates and a rose from his secret lover, who had a reputation as a bomb-constructing punk, but was actually the world's sweetest, most lovable man, probably because of the fact that he was so very pretty.

"Ah…Karasu…" Kurama swooned to himself. He was so gorgeously gorgeous and perfectly perfect that he could turn every positive adjective Kurama thought about into an equally positive adverb describing said adjective. But the loud sound of bubble gum popping in his ear made the usually calm teenager jump.

"Botan…what are you doing here?"

"Like, Kurama, I heard you were, like, available this weekend…" Botan, the class slut, who also worked at the local Cinnabon and used enough Aqua Net for seventeen people, stared up into Kurama's emerald orbs as she noisily chewed on her gum and twirled a lock of her azure strands upon her index digit so that it stuck together in such a way as to resemble an elongated Brillo pad.

Kurama sighed. "Sorry, I can't. I have to study."

"Like, ohmigod, gag me with a spoon! I cannot, like, believe this!" Botan turned around on her left foot and scoffed. "Like, hell, I'm going to screw Yûsuke, 'cause, like, his girlfriend is such a bitch…" With that, Botan left.

Kurama then heard the noise of a highly improbable _whoosh_, which was the sound of Karasu somehow taking crow form when he wasn't even a demon to begin with in this AU fic. He then landed close to Kurama, and glomped him.

"How's my widdle snuggly-buggly?" he cooed into Kurama's ear.

"I'm excellent, my little snookie-pie," Kurama cooed back. "I wub you so much…" The two of them then proceeded to give each other an Eskimo kiss, which would ordinarily be very abrasive on Kurama's nose because of Karasu's mask, but the magical power of true gay love erased all of the boo-boos.

"Karasu, darling, I have a surprise for you!" Kurama smiled as if he were high on precisely 2,076,598 Pixy Sticks.

"What is it, sugar booger?" Karasu cooed back, imitating some character on some American cartoon that he had never heard of in his life.

"I'm going to have a baby! I gave myself a pregnancy test this morning! I have no idea how it happened, since I don't have a uterus, but it is truly a blessed event!"

Karasu smiled. "I'm going to be a daddy!"

At that very instant, their conversation was interrupted by the very loud screaming and wailing of Kuwabara Kazuma, the resident Special Ed kid. His sister and caretaker, Shizuru, was pushing his wheelchair around the hallway.

"Hey, Kurama…I know you're busy and everything, but we really need you to help us plan the class trip." She smiled as her brother went, "DURRHH!"

"To where are we going?" he asked.

"Well, we're chartering an expedition to the twin peaks of Mt. Fuji," she explained.

"But…Mt. Fuji only has one peak."

"I know, but don't tell that to my brother", Shizuru whispered. "Principal Sensui let him design the field trip. It's to boost his self-esteem, since that's all we can do between now and the time we sell him to the government for experiments. Two hundred million yen, all MINE!"

All of a sudden, Kazuma yelled, "DURRH…I LIKE BISCUITS!" and started to roll his wheelchair off into the hallway. Shizuru chased after him, trying to prevent him from going into the Janitor's Closet of No Return, which, strangely had been in the school before it was even built…

But no, it was not to be. Kuwabara dropped out of this plane of existence into said janitor's closet, never to be seen or heard from again, because the author of this fanfiction does not masturbate to his image at night.

The very next day, Kurama was busy knitting booties, caps and other sprog…erm, I mean, adorable baybee clothes for the miracle bump inside his large intestine…or was it his vas deferens?...while the others in his class gossiped about where Kuwabara the retard had gone off to.

"Yo, I heard he fell off a cliff 'cause he thought that life was like cartoons," said Yûsuke, kicking his legs up onto a neighboring desk, which happened to be his girlfriend's.

"Yûsuke! Get your filthy feet off of my desk! Else I'm telling Toguro-sensei!" Keiko got up and smacked her boyfriend's feet.

Botan got up, crinkled her overly sprayed hair again, and asked, "Like, Yûsuke, your girl is like, a total bitch, so, like, can I, like, do you? I, like, have no, like, panties on…"

"NO WAY! You are a gross skank!" Keiko blared.

"No, you're like, a prude."

"At least I care about how I look to other people!" Keiko walked towards her, her legendary slap ready to go.

In the back of the classroom, Hagiri blared: "CATFIGHT!"

And so the two girls went at it; little did they know that during their confrontation, millions upon millions of tiny quantum plot holes would warp the fabric of the universe in such a way that they would end up in a hot lesbian make-out session.

Cries of "Holy shit!" and "Whoa, mama!" echoed throughout the classroom.

But, while the two girls were enjoying each other's hot bodies, Kurama felt a force in his abdomen, something in between a bout of awful diarrhea and some bizarre sort of orgasm. "Oh, Inari, it's coming!"

"What do you mean, it's coming?" asked Yanagisawa.

"My baby! It's coming! Get me to the…erm…boy's bathroom! Hurry!" All of the boys in the classroom left to help with the birth, while Botan and Keiko were left to their own devices.

They got Kurama over a toilet, in such a position as if he were to defecate. He pushed and pushed, and something was coming out of his rectum. Something so sacred and amazing and wonderful that there should be no words to describe it in English. Oh, hell, let's just use Japanese because it sounds cool. Sugoi! Kakkoi! Dôseiaisha! Neko! Maguro!

At the very end of his efforts, they had a beautiful baby girl, which would, of course, been half as likely as a boy in this situation. She had long black hair with red streaks in it, beautiful emerald orbs, S-class yôki, and crow's wings that shimmered like the midnight sky…oh, never mind, a pitch-black sky doesn't shimmer.

Upon looking at her, Kurama felt not pride, but fear and disgust, since she telepathically told him she was going to kill both of her fathers. "It's hellspawn!" he yelled.

"What do you want us to do with it?" asked Mitarai woefully…he had no clue why any of the psychics were in this damn fic, and why the only got one line apiece.

"Throw it…in…the…janitor's…closet…" Kurama then fainted due to giving birth to the Mary-Sue hellspawn.

"O-kaaay!" yelled Yûsuke triumphantly. The whole horde of males who were assisting him followed him to the abyss of the Janitor's Closet of No Return.

They opened the door, and out shined a terribly bright light. They then heard a noise as a pair of scraggly, elongated hands clutched the Mary-Sue spawn…

"YESSS…MY PREEECIOUSSSS…"

And before they knew what hit them, they were all sucked up into the janitor's closet for all eternity.

However, Botan and Keiko had managed to have a hot lesbian encounter in the time the boys had been away. Unbeknownst to them, the classroom door was open; Genkai, the girls' gym teacher, had been watching them the whole time.

They looked up, and found the face of the old, stereotypically lesbian gym teacher. She said to them: "I'm surprised that somebody taught something worthwhile in this school, for once."

She then went about her errands, and the girls were left to clean up.

More and more each day, Koenma was getting distressed over the god-awful fanfiction he read. Now it was time to do something about it.

He had his ferrygirls find out the location of the most popular fanfiction authors in Ningenkai, and then he planned on making personal appearances at the home of each one, and order them to cease and desist, for the safety of the three worlds.

The first one on his list was a doozy: he had written fanfiction about Sensui and Itsuki, in which they had sadomasochistic sexual encounters. He also wrote bad Mary-Sue parodies, and humor fics which hardly anyone laughed at but they reviewed anyway…just to be nice.

Koenma had a wicked grin on his face. "You're going to feel my wrath…Sir Psycho Sexy."

TO BE CONTINUED in CHAPTER 4

A/N: Next time on "Worst YYH Fic Ever"- Koenma holds the author captive! The author has run out ofideas! What shall we do now?

(Hint: More suggestions, please. I have no clue where to go now.)


	4. The Hard Part is Admitting

**The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever**

**Chapter 4: The Hard Part is Admitting You Have a Problem**

A YYH fanfiction by Sir Psycho Sexy

A/N: Here it is! The FINAL chapter of The Worst YYH Fanfiction Ever! I hope you enjoyed reading this fic as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Oh, we have some special guests in this fic, each of which belongs to their respective owners. Because no YYH parody-fic would be complete without the Obligatory Bad Crossover. Plus a continuation of the Bad Author Self-Insert. Enjoy!

-SPS

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Sir Psycho Sexy heard a loud _bang _against the door of his apartment at two in the morning. He wondered who or what it could be, since all he did as far as human interaction went was sit at his computer twenty-four hours a day doing nothing but reading fanfics and complaining about how lousy the fandom was in his LiveJournal- a perfect way to get a translation degree, if he thought so himself. He also hoped that it wasn't like the time he had lost his glasses and thought he had seen Sensui Shinobu in a frilly pink tutu at the front door, and had thereby decided that there was a homophobic fandom conspiracy being launched against him and his two-dimensional boy t- erm, I mean, idol.

But, luckily, he had remembered his glasses since, for some reason or other, he had involuntarily taped them to his face.

He opened the door, and who did he see but… Koenma! Koenma, as in the lines-on-celluloid son of Enma Daiô who was naught but a figment of one Togashi Yoshihiro's imagination.

"You've got to be shitting me here." For some reason or other, he could smell a million quantum plot holes opening around him in much the same manner as a trained bloodhound sniffs out a dead body. But that did not bother him so much; Koenma was standing right in front of him! And, for some reason or other, he was beginning to lose his common sense! ZOMG KOENEMA IZ SOOO HAWT!1!

"Sir, I have something I have to ask you. It has come to my attention that you are the author of multitudinous fanfictions depicting my colleagues and I in a negative light. That and they…they just made me lose sleep and feel ill." He bowed his head in shame upon thinking of the horrors that he had read.

"My fanfiction is MY business! I get to portray you people however I want, it's called creative license!" He stuck out his tongue at the godling, which made him even madder at Sir Psycho Sexy.

"All right, all right. I'm going to have to take you into Reikai custody. So don't complain when you turn out to be guilty of libel!"

"Libel, schmeibel," he scoffed. "Like I said, I get to control your ass in my fics! And I can still do it when you're standing right in front of me!" With that, he began to wiggle his fingers and chant a levitation spell over Koenma.

Koenma did not move an inch.

"…Oh, shit."

"I'm taking you, mister."

"No you're not."

"Yes I am."

"No you're not."

"Why not?"

Sir Psycho Sexy made the biggest puppy-dog eyes that he could muster, and started blubbering: "If you take away my fanfiction, I'll have nothing left in my life! I will be naught but an overweight, pathetic excuse for a human being, with no one to love me! WAAAAAAAAHHHHH!" He started to cry rivers of tears at Koenma's feet.

"Fine," said Koenma as he felt the rivulets of Sir Psycho Sexy's tears turn into more miniscule plot holes that threatened to suck out his very soul.

As Koenma went back to Reikai, Sir Psycho Sexy smirked. He had conned an actual character from his favorite fandom into letting him write his horridly written and executed trash that was but a substitute for his parents never loving him enough as a child and…Oh dear. Too much information. We had best ignore this paragraph…it's in the interest of fandom security…

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Koenma returned to his desk tired as usual, especially after that ordeal with that geeky, bratty author- erm, respectfully decent human being with issues. There were tons of papers stacked upon his desk that he had to stamp, thousands of souls that he had to process. But there was one paper that caught his eye; it was stamped with his father's seal.

This HAD to be serious business.

Picking it up carefully, to see if he hadn't been scammed yet again in the reality department, he started to read:

_Dearest Son:_

_I have a mission for you that is in the utmost interests of security for the three worlds that are under my jurisdiction, as well as other worlds that are not. It has come to my attention, via the ferry-girls and the oni, that human beings from all versions of Ningenkai, this one and alternate universes, are becoming deeply addicted to a noxious form of entertainment known as fanfiction. It is at least as addictive as many Makai medicinal herbs, and, if this addiction were to be left untouched, the various realities of Ningenkai would ultimately self-destruct._

_Therefore, I have organized the most addicted humans from the various realities for you to counsel. If you fail to accomplish this task, which I have coded "Fanfic Addicts Anonymous", you will receive a most severe spanking._

_Your father,_

_Enma Daiô_

Koenma sighed; he had no choice. He feared his father's hand across his bottom more than anything…

He slowly wandered into a room filled with humans, some of which he knew. He could easily pick out his ex-reikai tantei, Urameshi Yûsuke, and his new bride, Keiko. But the mousy-haired girl with large-rimmed glasses, the two young boys (no more than twelve by Koenma's estimation), and the somewhat tall man with spiky silver hair and a bandanna tilted over one eye he did not recognize in the slightest.

"Excuse me, but are you this 'Koenenma' fellow that we're supposed to meet?" One of the twelve-year-olds leaped up off of his chair and gazed innocently at the godling.

"Gon! Sit down! Of COURSE that's him! And it's "Koenma"! Sometimes I wonder if you understand everything you can get over the Internet with your Hunter license…" The other boy sulked in his chair.

"Oops, sorry, Killua." Gon looked to be on the verge of tears as he sat down next to his friend.

"It's okay. I'm the one who needed to come here." With that simple utterance by Killua, Gon smiled.

Yûsuke popped up angrily. "C'mon, toddler, let's get this show on the road! My wife's been readin' bad man-porn about me and my buddies! And now she can't even think right no more!"

Keiko muttered something that sounded like "mangina" over and over again as her eyes seemed to let go of her very soul. "See? C'mon!"

"Fine," muttered Koenma. "Welcome to Fanfic Addicts Anonymous. Would anyone like the floor?"

The mousy-haired girl wearing huge clonking glasses stood up and cleared her throat. "Hello…my name is Schieska…and I'm addicted to bad fanfiction."

"HELLO SCHIESKA!" said the other members of the group in unison.

"Well…umm…it started when I was looking up the name of one of my superior officers online, even though Amestris doesn't have the Internet…ah well. So I type in "Roy Mustang" and…there were all of these horrid stories about him having sex with his male junior officers! And they didn't act at all like their normal selves! And sometimes…they had…CAT EARS for some strange reason! And then I found out there were other worlds getting damaged…can you IMAGINE Proust slash? I found it…" She began to sob. "But…that's not the worst part. The worst part is, I have a photographic memory of everything I read, so I can't stop referencing them in my head! And it's driving me crazy!"

"Did you find any fiction of us?" Koenma looked hopeful.

"Yes. It was about this girl named Yukina…and she was an angsty, suicidal goth with multiple personalities…and somehow I knew that wasn't her! I still have every word stuck in my head! When will this disrespect of good literature stop?"

Yûsuke began to chuckle. "Aww, man…Yukina the MPD goth…that's rich. The real Yukina wouldn't hurt a fly. And the MPD part was from this guy named Sensui, who happened to be the queerest dude I ever knew besides those two little fruit brats over there…" He pointed to Killua and Gon.

"Fruit?" said Gon idly. "Killua, do I look like a banana… or a pear?"

Killua growled. "Never mind. You'll know what it means when you're older."

"But I wanna be a pear!"

"All right, you're a pear." This was one of the many times Killua had given in to Gon's flights of fancy.

Schieska sat down, now with a smile on her face. Those were the two cutest little boys she had ever seen in her whole life…but she had to keep herself from imagining the one with spiky black hair in a poofy dress. She had to get over her addiction…_don't think of shouta, don't think of shouta, don't think of shouta…_

"Next, please," said Koenma.

The man with the face mask, the bandana over one eye, and the spiky silver hair stood up. "Hello, my name is Hatake Kakashi, and I have no idea what I'm doing here."

The group roared: "HI KAKASHI!"

"I mean, honestly. The Internet is designed for porn. If I want to read about my students having intercourse, I will. I do not have a problem."

"Yes you do!" roared Gon. And then, he whispered to Killua: "What's porn?"

"You know those tapes we saw in the Celestial Tower with the naked people? _That's _porn." Gon nodded his head in understanding.

"Well, as clueless as Mr. Freecs is, he does have a point," said Koenma. "You have to admit you have a fanfiction problem before you end up hurting other people!"

"But I enjoy it, and it's not hurting anyone directly. I especially enjoy the ones about _me_." He smiled cryptically under his mask as he picked up the latest issue of Make-out Paradise that he had brought with him. "Plus, I do get some amusement out of all of the bizarre words used for the genitalia."

Then, all of a sudden, Keiko sprang up and yelled, "BUTTSEX!", as her brain had been stolen by all of the porn involving her husband and his friends and replaced by naught but granulated sugar. The odd thing was that she did not stop. Yûsuke sprang up from his seat and began debating with Kakashi about the merits of Miss December over those of Miss January, as he too was a Make-out Paradise fan, improbable as it was that it was never published in his universe. Killua and Gon started to race each other around the room, and soon it became a miniature dust storm. Schieska was starting to panic from the combined force of the surrounding frenzy and the sincere battle she was waging in her head.

In a last-ditch effort to avoid a spanking, Koenma yelled, "ORDER!"

No one listened.

He did so again. No one listened.

He grumbled to himself and left the others to their own devices; the only option was to go see his father.

Enma was not pleased, and Koenma got ten thousand spankings.

---

Togashi Yoshihiro woke up with a start. This was the last time he'd EVER eat spicy food before bed again…

-FIN


End file.
